No, I Will Not Buy You A Bible


I'm one of those weirdos who actually kind of skims my junk emails before I delete them. I don't open them, but I do read the titles and the first few lines of the emails that get displayed as they're listed in my junk folder. The religious ones catch my attention specifically because every once in a while I get a bit of hate mail because of the blog. This email ended up being a pretty common scam, and it's long and very poorly written, but I enjoyed it enough to want to share. -

Greetings in Jesus name and may this letter finds you blessed in Christ. I am writing you from West Africa and it is a blessing getting to you in the other part of the world. It is my prayer that you become a friend of me and the Local church here.

By His grace I am a believer bought and washed by the blood of Jesus Christ. I am married with one child. I am a pastor of a small Local church non denominational or affiliated to anybody. The church was founded in 2005 and now has about 40 members. I gave my life to Christ in 1989 when I was in the high in at Jos. A campus fellowship student by name osahon was my room mate at school and his life of faithfulness unto Christ and his prayer and teaching me the Bible led me to Christ. This brother told me then that he sense that God was going to use me for His cause. I was never ready to hear that because my dream was never in the ministry but to finish my studies and get a nice job.

Five years after school and already working I started having the stronger urge and sensing that God was calling me but I kept on putting it off my heart because my job and life was so sweet to me and I felt I needed nothing else. One day a guest speaker was ministering in our church and he singled me out in a crowd of over one thousand and told me that God has called me to the ministry and cannot hide.

After he left I told my pastor that I have accepted and my pastor and other elders of the church prayed with me. I immediately joined and headed the evangelical team of the church and I saw many coming to Christ in the team. I let go off my job in 2004 and returned to Edo state my state. I joined a small Local church and was assisting the pastor.

In June 18 2004, a pastor of a little church of about six families in my area walked up to me telling me that he is leaving the state where the Lord had asked him to go and start the work. He said that he has been praying over a month that the Lord has asked him to tell me to take over the little church. I had not had any relationship with this pastor before now so it amazed me. He asked me to pray to ask the Lord. I did prayed and also told my pastor of this development. He prayed with me and three days later he confirmed that God has asked me to take over the church. That was how I became the Pastor of Full Gospel Church. I have been a pastor here two years ago. The church is a growing church and we meet at a temporary rented building.

Matt.5:16"Let your Light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your father which is in heaven".I am writing to appeal for assistance in the area of study Bible which will be of help to me in my research and studies as well as lesson preparation as a pastor. These Bibles are very expensive here. I need a Dakes Annotated Reference Bible or Thompson Chain reference Bible either one of the two. If you cannot get any of these please send me any study Bible which you know has study aids. I would prefer a King James Version. Bibles cost much here as they are imported not printed here.

There are many in our Local church who do not have bibles and cannot afford to buy. I want to specifically make a request for five elderly couples who cannot work and earn money to buy for themselves. They are very devoted. Please on their behalf. I request that you send them 10 bibles the very big letters or super large print would be preferable for them because of their sight. Please used bibles would be appreciated if that is what you can afford. Thank for considering this request. And as you help to meet this kingdom need the Lord will bless your finance abundantly. You can send the bibles through the post office a registered postage of EMS the bibles will get to us safely Ecclesiastes 11:1"Cast the bread upon the waters, for thou shall find it after many days".

The Lord bless you and keep you in His perfect love
In His Service
Brother J***** I*****

First of all, consider the bold bits - it would seem a pastor of a small church in 2004 had this guy take over his congregation - the same congregation he said was founded in 2005. Also, he became pastor in 2004 or six years ago, but has been the pastor for two years.

Also, if this guy really has a special relationship with the Christian god, why did he email me - a jerkwad atheist - who would ultimately post this email online and make fun of its inconsistency and impotency?

Lastly - Those elderly folks sound like they could use something more productive for their survival than a big print bible. This kind of use of the destitute in order to garner sympathy and ultimately donation really bothers me and religious institutions seem to have no problem whatsoever using their saddest cases to the church's benefit. And that little bit about 'And as you help to meet this kingdom need the Lord will bless your finance abundantly' - Yeah, this sounds more like one of those annoying facebook chain letters than an appeal to help out a small, isolated church somewhere in Africa.

Not somewhere - Nigeria. Why does it seem like a good chunk of stupid obvious internet scams are coming out of Nigeria?