Showing posts with label Email. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Email. Show all posts

8.29.2010

The Curious Case of LH

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I have a woman who emails me regularly, though I'm not sure if she realizes she's doing it. From what I can tell, she's kind of my antithesis. She's talked about vacations, stocks, and her home enough for me to guess she's in a higher tax bracket than me and she's mentioned some other things in her emails that has led me to think of her as an older woman, possibly someone whose use of the internet came late in life and really only deals with email and possibly recipe and craft sites, but certainly not work. I am making a few assumptions here, but I'm trying to paint a portrait of her for you without getting too personal, since like I said, I don't think she's aware that she keeps emailing me. One of the main reasons I assume she's not terribly familiar with using the internet is because she 1 - sends those awful chain emails that everyone in their right mind knows are annoying, a waste of time, and a source of aggravation for the majority of people out there and 2 - I keep telling her she's emailing me by mistake, but she never seems to understand how that might be or how to stop.

Someone in her life, presumably from what I've read her daughter, has almost the same name and email address as me except there's an 'a' instead of an 'e' in her last name. I've emailed LH as well as BL to let them both know that I keep getting emails meant for someone else, emails dripping with prayers and mentions of God and tea party politics, misinformation and snarky comments about Obama (which is especially annoying since there are plenty of legitimate reasons to be less than enchanted with our current president) and everything else one would expect from a typical middle to upper class religious American.

In one email, she perpetuated the idea that America ought to be run the way Wal Mart is run - after all, they have a ton of money and are really successful, right? In another email, she evidently agreed with the sentiments that illegal immigrants are the single worst issue in America - and that democrats would rather protect the rights of an illegal than the rights of a poor, defenseless fetus.

Riiiight. Pretty awesome stuff.

This latest email is a chain email, one of those 'send this to 12 people in 12 minutes or your tits will fall off' affairs, but instead of tits falling off, this was a chain letter to prove your love of God.

What? No! No self respecting religious person would trivialize their relationship with the Most Important Person In Existence by making Him/Her/It the focus of a lousy internet chain letter, would they? Oh you know they would.

Just 27 Words:

God our Father, walk through my house and take away all my worries and illnesses and please watch over and heal my family in Jesus name, Amen.

This prayer is so powerful. Pass this to 12 people including me. A blessing is coming to you in form of a new job, a house, marriage or financially. Do not break or ask questions.

This is a test. Does God come first in your life? If so, stop what you're doing & send it to 12 people now. Watch what he does!

My main concern through all of this is the fact that LH only sent this to 8 people. Looks like someone needs to find 4 more people to send this shit to so her god, who has evidently taken to testing people via internet memes these days, knows she puts him first in her life and she can get that sweet sweet blessing! Ching!

Also, I bet Job is pissed.

8.16.2010

No, I Will Not Buy You A Bible

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I'm one of those weirdos who actually kind of skims my junk emails before I delete them. I don't open them, but I do read the titles and the first few lines of the emails that get displayed as they're listed in my junk folder. The religious ones catch my attention specifically because every once in a while I get a bit of hate mail because of the blog. This email ended up being a pretty common scam, and it's long and very poorly written, but I enjoyed it enough to want to share. -

Greetings in Jesus name and may this letter finds you blessed in Christ. I am writing you from West Africa and it is a blessing getting to you in the other part of the world. It is my prayer that you become a friend of me and the Local church here.

By His grace I am a believer bought and washed by the blood of Jesus Christ. I am married with one child. I am a pastor of a small Local church non denominational or affiliated to anybody. The church was founded in 2005 and now has about 40 members. I gave my life to Christ in 1989 when I was in the high in at Jos. A campus fellowship student by name osahon was my room mate at school and his life of faithfulness unto Christ and his prayer and teaching me the Bible led me to Christ. This brother told me then that he sense that God was going to use me for His cause. I was never ready to hear that because my dream was never in the ministry but to finish my studies and get a nice job.

Five years after school and already working I started having the stronger urge and sensing that God was calling me but I kept on putting it off my heart because my job and life was so sweet to me and I felt I needed nothing else. One day a guest speaker was ministering in our church and he singled me out in a crowd of over one thousand and told me that God has called me to the ministry and cannot hide.

After he left I told my pastor that I have accepted and my pastor and other elders of the church prayed with me. I immediately joined and headed the evangelical team of the church and I saw many coming to Christ in the team. I let go off my job in 2004 and returned to Edo state my state. I joined a small Local church and was assisting the pastor.

In June 18 2004, a pastor of a little church of about six families in my area walked up to me telling me that he is leaving the state where the Lord had asked him to go and start the work. He said that he has been praying over a month that the Lord has asked him to tell me to take over the little church. I had not had any relationship with this pastor before now so it amazed me. He asked me to pray to ask the Lord. I did prayed and also told my pastor of this development. He prayed with me and three days later he confirmed that God has asked me to take over the church. That was how I became the Pastor of Full Gospel Church. I have been a pastor here two years ago. The church is a growing church and we meet at a temporary rented building.

Matt.5:16"Let your Light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your father which is in heaven".I am writing to appeal for assistance in the area of study Bible which will be of help to me in my research and studies as well as lesson preparation as a pastor. These Bibles are very expensive here. I need a Dakes Annotated Reference Bible or Thompson Chain reference Bible either one of the two. If you cannot get any of these please send me any study Bible which you know has study aids. I would prefer a King James Version. Bibles cost much here as they are imported not printed here.

There are many in our Local church who do not have bibles and cannot afford to buy. I want to specifically make a request for five elderly couples who cannot work and earn money to buy for themselves. They are very devoted. Please on their behalf. I request that you send them 10 bibles the very big letters or super large print would be preferable for them because of their sight. Please used bibles would be appreciated if that is what you can afford. Thank for considering this request. And as you help to meet this kingdom need the Lord will bless your finance abundantly. You can send the bibles through the post office a registered postage of EMS the bibles will get to us safely Ecclesiastes 11:1"Cast the bread upon the waters, for thou shall find it after many days".

The Lord bless you and keep you in His perfect love
In His Service
Brother J***** I*****
Nigeria


First of all, consider the bold bits - it would seem a pastor of a small church in 2004 had this guy take over his congregation - the same congregation he said was founded in 2005. Also, he became pastor in 2004 or six years ago, but has been the pastor for two years.

Also, if this guy really has a special relationship with the Christian god, why did he email me - a jerkwad atheist - who would ultimately post this email online and make fun of its inconsistency and impotency?

Lastly - Those elderly folks sound like they could use something more productive for their survival than a big print bible. This kind of use of the destitute in order to garner sympathy and ultimately donation really bothers me and religious institutions seem to have no problem whatsoever using their saddest cases to the church's benefit. And that little bit about 'And as you help to meet this kingdom need the Lord will bless your finance abundantly' - Yeah, this sounds more like one of those annoying facebook chain letters than an appeal to help out a small, isolated church somewhere in Africa.

Not somewhere - Nigeria. Why does it seem like a good chunk of stupid obvious internet scams are coming out of Nigeria?